Alfie, Barry and Marmaduke Stories

It was planting day at nursery.

This sounded, to most sensible people, like a calm and wholesome activity involving soil, seeds, and quiet learning.

To Barry and Marmaduke, it sounded like snacks.

“Today,” announced Miss Patel, holding up a tray of tiny pots, “we are going to plant seeds!”

Barry leaned over to Marmaduke. “Seeds are food.”

Marmaduke nodded immediately. “I like food.”

Alfie, who had been allowed to stay for the first part of the morning because he could be trusted around anything, looked suspicious.

“Those are for planting,” he said.

Barry looked at the seeds.

Small.

Round.

Mysterious.

“…Or tasting,” Barry suggested.

“No,” Alfie said firmly.

The seeds were placed on the table.

Sunflower seeds.

Dried peas.

Broad beans.

Neat little piles of potential.

Miss Patel smiled. “We’re going to put them in the soil and help them grow.”

Barry picked one up.

Examined it.

“…But what if they want to be eaten?” he asked.

“They do not want to be eaten,” Alfie replied.

“You don’t know that,” Barry said.

“I do.”

“You’re not a seed.”

Alfie paused.

“…That is true, but—”

Barry popped a sunflower seed into his mouth.

There was a moment.

A small, quiet moment.

The kind of moment where the universe pauses and says, are we really doing this?

Barry chewed.

Marmaduke watched.

“…Is it nice?” Marmaduke asked.

Barry shrugged. “It’s… crunchy.”

Marmaduke immediately grabbed one.

Alfie lunged forward. “NO—”

Too late.

Crunch.

Marmaduke’s eyes widened. “I like it.”

Alfie stared at them both.

“You are eating future plants.”

Barry nodded. “Yes.”

“That is not the activity.”

“It is now,” Barry said.

Miss Patel turned around just in time to see Barry holding a handful of seeds like treasure.

“Barry,” she said slowly, “what are you doing?”

Barry froze.

“…Testing.”

“Testing what?”

“The seeds.”

“For what?”

“…Snack potential.”

Miss Patel closed her eyes briefly.

Alfie raised his hand. “They are eating them.”

“I can see that,” Miss Patel said.

Marmaduke waved. “They’re quite good.”

“Seeds are for planting,” Miss Patel explained, in the patient tone of someone who had explained many things many times before.

“But they’re also food,” Barry argued.

“Yes, but not these ones.”

Barry looked at the packet.

“Why not?”

“Because they are for growing.”

Barry considered this.

“…What if we grow them in our stomachs?”

Alfie made a noise that suggested he was reconsidering his entire life.

Despite clear instructions, the planting began.

Pots.

Soil.

Seeds.

Barry took a handful.

Put one in the soil.

Two in his mouth.

One in the soil.

Three in his mouth.

Marmaduke copied him exactly.

Alfie watched in horror.

“This is not balanced planting,” he said.

“This is efficient,” Barry replied.

Miss Patel turned back again.

“…Why are there fewer seeds than expected?”

Barry swallowed quickly.

“…Evaporation?”

“Seeds do not evaporate.”

“They might.”

“They don’t.”

Marmaduke raised his hand. “We helped.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Miss Patel said.

The planting finished.

Some seeds were in pots.

Some seeds were… not.

Barry sat back, satisfied.

“I think we did a good job.”

Alfie looked at the pots.

Half empty.

Uneven.

Suspicious.

“…You did a job,” he said.

Then came the twist.

About ten minutes later…

Barry frowned.

Marmaduke frowned.

Barry put a hand on his stomach.

“…Do you feel weird?” he asked.

Marmaduke nodded slowly. “Yes.”

Alfie looked up. “What did you do?”

Barry hesitated.

“…We might have eaten some seeds.”

“How many?”

Barry thought.

“…A lot.”

Marmaduke added, “Quite a lot.”

Barry’s stomach made a noise.

A loud one.

A dramatic one.

Marmaduke’s stomach joined in.

It was like a small orchestra of regret.

Alfie stood up. “Miss Patel!”

Miss Patel turned. “Yes?”

“They ate the seeds.”

“How many?”

“A significant number.”

Miss Patel knelt down. “Barry, how are you feeling?”

Barry looked thoughtful.

“…Like a plant.”

“That is not helpful.”

“My tummy is… wobbly.”

Marmaduke nodded. “Mine too.”

Miss Patel sighed. “Okay. Let’s sit down.”

They sat on the mat.

Barry held his stomach.

Marmaduke leaned against him.

“I don’t think we should have eaten them,” Marmaduke said.

Barry nodded. “This might have been a mistake.”

Alfie crossed his arms. “I told you.”

“You always say that,” Barry replied weakly.

“Yes, because I am always correct,” Alfie said.

Barry looked worried.

“…Are we going to grow?”

“No,” said Miss Patel.

“Are we going to turn into plants?”

“No.”

“Are we going to sprout leaves?”

“No.”

Barry paused.

“…Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Marmaduke looked relieved. “I don’t want leaves.”

“They would be itchy,” Barry agreed.

Time passed.

Slowly.

Very slowly.

Barry lay down.

Marmaduke lay down next to him.

“This is the worst planting day,” Barry said.

Alfie sat beside them. “…It was predictable.”

Eventually, the feeling passed.

The wobbly stomachs settled.

The dramatic suffering reduced to mild regret.

Barry sat up.

“I feel better.”

Marmaduke nodded. “Me too.”

Miss Patel smiled. “Good.”

There was a pause.

Then Barry said, “Can we have a snack?”

Alfie stared at him.

“…You just ate half the garden.”

“I’m still hungry,” Barry said.

Marmaduke agreed. “Me too.”

Miss Patel hesitated.

Then laughed.

“Alright,” she said. “But no more seeds.”

Snack time arrived.

Actual food.

Safe food.

Non-growing food.

Barry ate carefully.

Marmaduke did too.

Alfie watched them.

“…Have we learned anything?” he asked.

Barry nodded seriously.

“Yes.”

“What?”

Barry thought.

“…Seeds are not snacks.”

“Correct,” Alfie said.

Marmaduke added, “Unless they are snack seeds.”

“That is different,” Alfie said.

At home later, Mum asked, “How was nursery?”

Barry stood proudly.

“We planted seeds.”

“That sounds lovely,” Mum said.

“And we ate them.”

Mum paused.

“…You what?”

Alfie sighed. “They ate the seeds.”

Mum looked at Barry. “Why?”

Barry shrugged. “We were curious.”

Dad looked up from his laptop. “That never ends well.”

Barry patted his stomach.

“It was not a good idea.”

“No,” Mum agreed.

“Will you do it again?”

Barry thought.

“…Probably not.”

Alfie nodded. “Progress.”

And as the day ended, one thing was clear:

Barry and Marmaduke had learned something important.

Seeds grow best in soil.

Not in stomachs.

And curiosity—

while powerful—

sometimes leads to very uncomfortable afternoons.

Still…

At least nothing had sprouted.

Yet.